Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Justice Is Blonde

A while back, I did a write up about a video game, in the loosest sense of word, known as Plumber's Don't Wear Ties. It was absolutely fucking terrible, the game I mean. Why? Well, it tried to be a videogame with adult themes and situations. It's also described as one of the the "porn" games for the 3DO. The reason why Plumbers sucked was not only was it perhaps the stupidiest video game ever written, but because there was nothing adult about it. Hell, it was basically a bloody Looney Tunes cartoon for teenagers.

Ever since I wrote that, I wanted to do more on some of these "porn" games, just to see if they offered any shred of entertainment value, or if they were just as bad as Plumbers. The problem that face me was that I wanted some decent info, as well as video of these games - but given the fact that the 3DO wasn't exactly the most popular of consoles, and the subject matter, finding video proved to be difficult.

Then the Game Heroes found video of the game Blonde Justice...

And oh boy, do we have a contender for a game that's even WORSE than Plumbers.

The game was released in 1994, again for the 3DO, by a company known as Vivid Interactive. Don't bother searching for their history - there isn't any. Though based on some advertisements in the game, they were mostly known for producing...adult entertainment games for the 3DO, with such clever names as "Sex", "Raquel Released", "Super Models Go Wild" and "Immortal Desire". They're related to Vivid Entertainment, one of the larger adult entertainment companies out there.

Getting back to Blonde Justice, it's a game both better, worse, and just as equally bad as Plumbers. How so? Well, let's begin with the good. The game uses FMV, and actually decent looking FMV too. One of the advantages that the 3DO had over the other CD consoles of the pre-Playstation era was that it was capable of playing higher quality video than what one could see on the Sega CD. As well as that, there's actually some some production values in the game - they're not exactly awesome, but hey, at least they are there.

One other plus, especially over Plumbers is that the game actually lives up to it's "adults only" tag. Slightly. There are a few instances of female nudity, though it's mainly just exposed nipples. There are plenty of instances of sideboob and arse, as well as other scenes of females doing other females, and implied masterbation. Granted, we don't get to see much, but hey, if you're going to make an adults only game, at least they've got the "porn" part somewhat right.

Moving onto the bad, is the structure of the 'game'. Simply put, there is no game. There is no interactivity with it whatsoever. The game is literally a 30-40 minute movie, divided up into five chapters. The chapter markings are also weird - the chapter stops are literally in the middle of a scene, rather than the end...which makes no bloody sense.

In fact, the comment about it being a movie is quite accurate. Go back up and look at the cover. Now, take a look at this:

Look familiar much?

Turns out that Blonde Justice on the 3DO is just an "interactive" version of Vivid Entertainments film, Blonde Justice. Most of the details on the IMDB page check out for the game...except the length of the film. The film is 72 minutes. The game isn't. We'll get into that later.

As well as that, it's actually hard to hear the dialogue. I know it's a porn game and all, and that you shouldn't be watching porn for the plot, but it's incredibly bloody difficult to actually hear any dialogue. Though the music is that cheezily bad it makes up for it.

And then we come to the horrible. This can be summed up in just one phrase - the story. It's meant to be a mystery story, or a thriller, but the game can't seem to make up it's mind. Why?

The story in Blonde Justice is by far the most stupid and idiotic fucking story that I have ever experienced.
Hey! I wrote that story!

It also helps that the story is told like as if a goddamned monkey told me to me and its gibberish was then translated via BabelFish. Like I said before, yes, I do realize that this is meant to be a porn game, and that I should give the story a pass, but no. Why? It's just so fucking stupid that it makes regular porn look bad. And in terms of storytelling in a movie designed to solely to get you off, that's something.

Here's the story in a nutshell. A blonde stripper (she's never named. Or she is, but because you can barely hear a thing, you can't make out a name) has been sent various letters by an obsessed stalker threatening to kill her with her stockings. She gets a policewoman to help her solve this case, until the blonde stripper decides to start carrying around a gun for protection. Her friend, known as Cora (whom is the only major character named), decides to put on a blonde wig and start grinding randomly on a pole with no audience cheering her on. The stalker then shows up, and thinking that it's the Blonde (he only ever sees the back of her), shoots her. The stalker is then cornered by the cop and the real Blonde, whom arrest him. Oh, and this is the last thing we get to see in the game..besides credits anyway:

That's not my censoring, that disc just got in the snapshot.

I'm not kidding. That is seriously the story in the game. It is given all of five minutes. Though that's not the half of it.

The way that the pathetic lack of story is told is also a huge issue. For instance, the opening to the 'game' kicks off with the Blonde reading the death threats, then her at her job, then her walking home, with the stalker following her. The game also forgot what it's supposed to be, because within 30 seconds, we see the stalker chasing after the blonde.

I just wanted to hug you goodnight!


In fact, the 'game' is literally just a poorly assembled montage of random clips. You get the occasional glimpse of a story, then five minutes of women teasing you by removing their underwear with their back to the camera or hands covering their tits or cutting away just as something happens, then to another shot of a scene that hasn't happened yet, then back to some striptease, then to some story, and this goes on and on. It's incredibly disjointed
Cover your eyes! A terrible game!

It's like there was an internal conflict within Vivid as to the direction of the 'game' before the cameras started rolling. One side wanted two parts to the game, the story for those who wanted it, and then all the other shots of the stripping and what not. But then the other camp wanted nothing more than the striptease shots. In the end, they compromised some, but realized that the "plotted" segments were long enough, and needed some filler. Like, a LOT of filler.
No...cover your eyes. Not your tits. They're already covered by the top you're wearing.

Though what gets me the most interested is just why there is so much of a difference in terms of runtime between the two products. Based on the videos that I've seen there's at least 30 minutes missing from the film in the game version, which might explain why there is so much filler. I wouldn't honestly be able to tell you just how much is missing, or whether or not what we're seeing is literally what the game looks like.

But I've got to give mad props to The Game Heroes. It was really quite difficult to find any video or decent information on any of the other 'adult' games. Though with this nugget, perhaps I can find something new for you guys next time.

Though I am intrigued if the sequel to the film, released in the same year with most of the same cast, was ever made into a game. That'll be worth checking out.


No comments: