The eGames 2009 Wrap.

From October 30^th to the 1^st of November 2009, Melbourne was once again home to the IDEF Expo, featuring the fourth annual eGames Expo. As always, the Level 3 crew was there to help cover the show and expand our reach to newer audiences. However, this year saw some massive changes to the show – the biggest for us anyway was that we had our own booth for the first time – which proved to be a much more effective HQ for us than in previous years, and helped get the word out about the show in a big way. Hell, hearing Jason talk about that he signed his first autographs for fans was quite a surprise.

So what of the show? Let’s talk about specific moments:

A Nice Change of Scenery

The biggest change to the show came in a change of venue. Instead of taking place at the Melbourne Exhibition Center in Docklands (and right opposite the Crown Casino), the show was relocated to the Royal Exhibition Building in Carlton, which was right opposite the Melbourne Museum and IMAX theater. And for added value, it was a short walk to Lygon Street, home to some awesome Italian restaurants.

The new exhibition space proved to be quite the interesting change in atmosphere, where instead of being dominated by a dull grey and otherwise uninteresting area, we were surrounded by an older and much more visually interesting environment. There were paintings all over the roof of the building, which made it so much better to look at than before.

The front of the Exhibition Building (taken from here) 

As well as that, the larger space also made the show much easier to traverse. Last year, when the Digital Lifestyle Show was introduced, there wasn't much of a clear division between the two shows, and it wasn’t exactly clear where one show ended and the other one began. Here, there was a clear division, which made traversal just that little bit easier.

The only real disappointment in the use of the space came in the fact that it wasn’t all used. There’s a second level to the Exhibition Building which, with the exception of a ‘Develop Theater’ and a media center, wasn’t used. But I’ll get to that later on.

Though while it was a great change of scenery, there were several reasons as to why it proved to also not be a terrific location…

Pressure Cooking

The weekend that eGames was taking place at had an average temperature of around 25-30 degrees as the maximum temperature. Now, while the Royal Exhibition Building is a great looking building, it’s also listed as a heritage building. That means that no matter what, it cannot be touched in any specific way – and needs to be preserved for future generations. This also means that there’s no air conditioning.

Now, I’m not too sure what the attendance figures were, but you’d have to factor in that both parts of the IDEF show were quite populated on the day, being a weekend and what not. But good lord, despite the heat, people still came. Also didn’t help that there were a lot of powerful lights set up around the show.

Though this was thankfully alleviated by the rampant abuse of the media lounge water fridge. Thankfully, someone thought ahead and prepared a LOT of water bottles and kept them nice and cool, and proved to be a popular spot for those who could get into there. As for everyone else? Well, I'm amazed as to how they managed to survive.

Can I Hear Myself?

One of the absolute stupidest moments of the entire show came in the organization of the main stage sound. Put it this way, where the main stage is, to the left of that is the eGames Masters stuff, and to the north of it is some more competitive gaming. Both have commentary, and both are LOUDER than the main stage. And it also helps that the main stage mics? Not particularly reliable. I was on the stage once for two of the days (Saturday was to help take part in an episode of the Lobby, Sunday was for a podcast with some of the people from Thumbpad), and it was hard to hear the people actually speaking. Turns out I wasn’t the only one who thought that.      

From what I understand, the original plan was to make the competitive gaming stuff be on the second level of the building to keep it away from the main stage, but the organizers couldn’t get it approved. Though despite this, it's an absolute shame that it was really quite difficult to do stuff on the main stage.  

Level 3 and Thumbpad do a podcast (from L-R: me, Anna, Jason, Mick, Megan, Jamie and Shane)

This also extended to our booth. We were right opposite the Monash University gaming tournament (the booth was originally setup to play host to the Monash High School gaming tournament, but the space was kindly given to us by IT head Andrew Owen), and once the games of Halo decided to kick in, did we lose any chance of hearing anything from our booth – sounds of explosions and gunfire were common place. Again, no disrespect, but bloody hell it was loud.

Just WHAT were you guys giving away?

Probably the biggest exhibitor booth at the show was easily Ubisoft’s, with some extremely impressive showings – such as Assassins Creed II, James Camerons Avatar (both in regular and 3D editions – the latter of which is impressive), the new Shaun White game, Rabbids Go Home and Splinter Cell Conviction (which was unplayable, unfortunately). To the side of their main booth, there was also Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs and another game that I cannot recall at this point in time.

Ubi were great for giveaways as not only did they have a LOT of Avatar and Assassins Creed posters to give away, but also plenty of DVD’s with trailers for upcoming games. The posters made for great decoration for the booth, and we had plenty of people dumping the DVD’s at our booth. On the Saturday in particular, after lunch time, came one of the most insane things I’ve ever seen.

During this time, there was a large line of people at the Ubi booth, but we hadn’t any idea what it was for. Especially when you consider the line itself was just obscene. We’re talking close to 30, maybe even more people in line. The million dollar question was just what exactly were Ubisoft giving away at their booth that caused such a huge line.

Initially, we ruled out the posters, because it’s not like they had any real value, but as we started to film interviews with reps from Madman and 2K Games (whom were bordering on the Ubi booth), I started to notice that people were being handed somewhat more valuable things, such as copies of Tom Clancy’s Endwar (don’t ask what version, it was a tin case – but given the way it was shaped, either a PC or 360 version), and even some 360 Faceplates.

I’m still a little unsure on what exactly was given away, because everything I heard was heard via hearsay more than anything else.

Booth Organization Extraordinaire

As I mentioned in the intro, Level 3 had its very first booth at the show, making us the second media long term media outlet to have our own dedicated booth at the show (Australian Gamer being the first). Unlike with the media coverage, this is where I spent most of my time organizing it and ensuring that people came to the booth to talk all about Level 3.

The first day proved to be an unmitigated disaster for a large portion of it. We had only two things setup that day – a TV with episodes of the show running, and a Dreamcast with Street Fighter III – 3^rd Strike running all day. Since Jason and most of the cast/crew were either absent or elsewhere, we had very few people coming to discuss the show, and we were known as “the booth that the Dreamcast and Street Fighter at”. After I had left, I was told that it improved some, since Jason had actually returned and there was some discussion of the show actually happening.

The Level 3 crew, manning the booth all weekend!

The second and third days improved exponentially. Mainly because we had a really interesting competition going on; this also doubled as an excuse to get others to create content for us. Put simply, we had a green screen setup at the booth, with a camera. We’d get people to come to the booth and do a review for us. They could review any game they wanted, provided that they didn’t curse and that the review lasted no more than three minutes long. The catch was that not only would they win a game should they make a top three, but the best three reviews would be featured during Christmas time. We got over 10 of these, which were great, got a great representation, from some of the Swingamers people, to randoms, to forumites. We had even asked Yug from Australian Gamer to do some reviewing for us, which would’ve been awesome if he had gone ahead with it.

The Greatest Thing Ever?

Taking place on Halloween weekend, and given the fact that it’s a gaming expo, you would expect there to be some form of cosplay, or people dressing up in some spectacular fashion. And for the most part, I was very disappointed in this regard, because there wasn’t much there. Sure, there were a few awesome examples (such as a Midna, a Yuna, an Eva with a box, and a Meryl), but only one really takes the cake. And for good reason.

On the Saturday, there were a couple of dudes dressed up as Knights. I don’t think they were from any particular game or whatever, but they were in the full armoured suits and everything. In itself, it was a pretty cool feat, made even more awesome by the fact that these dudes were doing it on an absurdly hot day. And yet, that still isn’t the most awesome thing about this weekend.

Ubisoft had a Wii game on display known as “Just Dance” (ironically, the Lady Gaga track of the same name isn’t present), it proved to be quite popular, with people dancing all weekend to it. Towards the end of the Saturday, we were let known that the two Knights were actually playing this dancing game, and low and behold, they were.

I have video of the knights dancing to MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This”, as well as Blur’s “Girls & Boys”, and it remains one of the greatest things that I have ever seen in my life; to see two dudes in full plate mail waving a Wii-mote and just dancing like an absolute tool. It’s amazing. Utterly, utterly amazing.

 

What Could Have Been Improved?

While eGames 2009 was a good show, it could have been a much better show. The biggest thing missing was a lack of big exhibitors from last year – namely Sony, Nintendo and EA. Granted, Sony probably would not have had a lot to show that was particularly new (aside from EyePet and the new Ratchet game) and the same case could’ve been made for Nintendo. Then again, Microsoft were only there to show off Forza Motorsport 3, a game that had only come out the week before the expo had begun, and arguably their second biggest game for the holidays, so make your own reasoning.

Megapowers collide! Yug from Australian Gamer, Jason and I talk business.

The other thing that was needed was more content on the main stage. Sure, while there was a lot of Rock Band, eGaming and stuff from the webshow “The Lobby”; gone were most of the other interesting show panels. Sure, there were things there from EA Melbourne (whom are an offshoot of Dead Space/Dante’s Inferno developers Visceral Games), and a few other developer things, but that’s it – there was nothing else, which proved to be a huge disappointment.

Personally speaking, my biggest disappointment was my ‘attempt’ to interview Ubisoft. I write attempt in that way because it never happened. Ubisoft PR blew me off the day we were meant to do the interview, citing that they prefer to let the developers of the products talk about them. Okay fine, understandable, yet tell me that next time before I ask you to do an interview THE DAY BEFORE, and BEFORE you commit to it.

Otherwise, it was a decent show. Could have been improved, but then again, what show can’t? Thanks to everyone that made it possible for the show to exist, and thanks to everyone that stopped by. Made from a great weekend, and let’s try do it again next year, kay?

Oh, and before I forget…

WE ARE THE SHOW!

 

 

 

What I Missed Out On...

I don't know what it is about that series, but I adore the Tekken games. I don't know if it's the actual fighting mechanics, the unique characters, the awesome music, the insane extras Namco heap onto the game (Tekken 3 & 5, in particular), I'm not too sure.  But the funny thing is, as someone who adores that series, and is jonesing heavily for Tekken 6, I'll freely admit that there are games in the series that I haven't played, and no desire to.

While there is the obvious answer of the Playstation2 Death by Degrees game, this also extends to the original Tekken game. I've only ever really played the home version once, at a cousins place, and all my other experiences with it come from the arcade version present on the Tekken 5 game as part of the incredibly awesome "Arcade History" mode. 

Last I played it, it didn't hold up reasonably well. Granted, the game was originally released in the early days of 3D fighting games (and 3D in general), and Tekken was created as a response to Sega's Virtua Fighter (which had launched a couple of years earlier), but the way the game plays, such as still being on a 2D plane, slow fighting, and the general lack of responsiveness once you get knocked down. I mean, you can get knocked down and you takes a long and near excruciating while for you to get back up again. It's probably worth checking out later iterations of the series, if you're interested in the older games - Tekken 2/3 in particular. Though the idea of swapping cameras is a neat idea, and no other fighting game (and even later Tekken games) used this functionality.

Though thanks to stuff like YouTube, I've been able to catch up on one of the cooler things about the series - its CG endings.

Tekken is one of the few fighting franchises that does something unique with its endings compared to different versions. In the arcades, there is no story whatsoever - you're treated to a generic "CONGRATULATIONS YOU WIN" screen - similar, but not quite, to Virtua Fighter. It's a weird decision, especially when you consider that with the exception of those two games, pretty much every other fighting game worth its salt in the arcades has an ending. However, when the games are released onto home consoles, Namco go the extra mile to actually including CG endings for each of the characters.

Being the first iteration of the series, and also one of the earlier 3D games, the original Tekken has some of the most fantastically awesomely outdated CG I've ever seen in a game. The intro to the game looks and sounds like a bloody demo reel of a mid-90's CG artist - but doesn't hold a candle to the actual endings. Which are some of the most awesome things I've ever seen.

All of the endings in the game are about 30 seconds long, all of which set to the same piece of music. There's no dialogue, but there are associated sound effects. What gets me about these endings are twofold. The first is the effort that Namco went to for some of these. Take King's (the second ending, if you're watching the above video), for instance. If you can't watch the video, here's a quick explanation - King returns from the tournament to an orphanage, and as he arrives, the kids flood out to meet him.

To say that I was expecting kids to be flooding out of the church would have been the preferred  response, but I honestly doubled back a little bit and was shocked to see that the kids themselves are actually REAL kids - greenscreened into the shot. You have to understand, there are practically no fighting games that have ever had FMV kids inserted into a CG shot. Though the pose that King makes as the scene fades out is completely awesome and made for some inappropriate captioning.

The other thing these endings (and the game itself), is that it's made for some awesome reactionary imagery. Yoshimitsu's (second from last) is the best example of this. Shortly after he opens up the case and the cash goes flying, there's a dude that just looks up in complete and utter disbelief that hundreds and thousands of dollars in cash is just FLYING around. His slowly transforming face as he looks up and sees the cash makes for quite possibly the greatest "OH MY GOD" look ever used (if not intentionally) in a video game. This is also coming from a video game where characters portraits literally distort when you select them.

I should probably go back to explore the original Tekken game, but really, is there any point now? The game has been superceded (and made better) by later iterations, the endings are all online, and hell, I can get a copy of the game free of charge by buying the PS2 (and I think PSP) versions of Tekken 5.  

I would close off by saying that future iterations of Tekken never included awesomely bad reaction faces in their endings...but...

Nah...

How To NOT Use A Celebrity Likeness 101

Activision's Guitar Hero5 has only just been released (well, over a week since it's US release, and under a week until its Australian release), and it's already under major fire for one of its big selling points. You see, the game includes a playable version of deceased Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, playing along to versions of "Lithium" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit", the latter a huge coup for Activision (since it's the only song from the Nevermind album to not appear in its competitior, MTV's Rock Band), but that's not the point.

The reason for the controversy isn't the fact that the game has a playable version of Kurt Cobain. It's kind of sad enough to think that, especially since this is exactly the kind of thing that Cobain never wanted to happen - being extremely anti-establishment and what not. No, the controversy comes in the way the Cobain character is used in the game. And let me tell you, it ain't pretty.

No, you weren't imaging anything. You DID just see Kurt Cobain acting like Flava Fucking Flav.

So what's the response by Kurt's widow and former Hole frontlady Courtney Love? Well, let me describe it

in her words, from her Twitter account (via Kotaku):

WE are going to sue the shit out of ACtivision we being the Trust the Estate the LLC the various LLCs Cobain Enterprises

She then later goes on to mention that she reportedly didn't want Cobain in the game, though DID sign off on it. I say reportedly because she wrote this on her Twitter, and has it locked off.

Shortly thereafter, Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl, Cobain's bandmates from Nirvana, actually SUPPORTED Courtney Love in wanting Activision to fix this up, by releasing a statement (again, via Kotaku):

This is a statement regarding Nirvana, Guitar Hero and the likeness of the late Kurt Cobain.

We want people to know that we are dismayed and very disappointed in the way a facsimile of Kurt is used in the Guitar Hero game. The name and likeness of Kurt Cobain are the sole property of his estate - we have no control whatsoever in that area.

While we were aware of Kurt's image being used with two Nirvana songs, we didn't know players have the ability to unlock the character. This feature allows the character to be used with any kind of song the player wants. We urge Activision to do the right thing in "re-locking" Kurt's character so that this won't continue in the future.

It's hard to watch an image of Kurt pantomiming other artists' music alongside cartoon characters. Kurt Cobain wrote songs that hold a lot of meaning to people all over the world. We feel he deserves better.

So while there hasn't been a response from Activision yet, but yet, and I cannot believe I'm saying this, actually kinda agreeing with Courtney Love.

I mean, go back up and rewatch that video. It's Kurt Cobain, frontman of one of the most profilic bands in recent memory, and a staunch anti-conformist, singing a Bon Jovi song, amongst other things. A fucking Bon Jovi song.

Activision and Neversoft should've known better, and realized that maybe, just maybe, that it might be just a tad disrespectful to the legacy of Cobain. Yet you know what the ironic thing is? They actually do know how to show constraint and control when it comes to something like this. It's evident in 2008's Guitar Hero World Tour, wherein people could play as a recreation of iconic guitarist Jimi Hendrix. Unlike any of the other musicians in the game, Hendrix was only playable on tracks that Hendrix actually performed on. It wasn't possible to have him play Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher", for instance. It's also something that was alluded to in the statement by Grohl and Novoselic.

But yet, you really still can't have any sympathy for Courtney Love. I mean, she still would've had to have given her consent and approval for Cobain being in the game, and of course, pocketed from it. It's not the first time she's done it, and I won't be surprised if she's using this as a tactic to get more money. I still don't buy this "I didn't really want him in the game" argument.

Now let's see if the estate of Johnny Cash is going to complain about the same thing...

2009: Have Licesned Games Become Cool?

Let's face it, unless you're one of the many people whom enjoy picking up a sports game ever year with the little things added, or the holders of an IP or a publisher, most people do not look forward to licensed games. Not often because of the license itself, but generally because the game is poor. It's been the same year in and year out for the longest period of time now.

But it looks that as we close out 2009, that publishers and developers are starting to 'get' the fact that just because you have a cool and/or interesting license doesn't mean you can't release a product that doesn't reflect this cool and/or interesting license. Sure, we had a few of those in the form of Star Trek D-A-C, parts 1&2 of Watchmen: The End is Nigh, Terminator Salvation and the recently released GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, but for everything else? Well, it's generally been pretty good.

The first one that immediately springs to mind is Activision's X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The movie was one of the worst and most disappointing movies of the year. And yet, the game has been even more favourably rated. The Uncaged Edition (i.e. the super, over the top bloody one that was released on the PC, Xbox 360 and PS3) rates around the low to high 70% mark on Metacritic, and around 75-80% on Game Rankings, proving to be one of the more surprisingly good licensed games to be released this year. In fact, the one thing that the game did right better than the movie was that made you feel like you were Wolverine, which is something that really cannot be done with the movie. Oh, and made it bloodier - something that Wolverine fans would've loved.

THQ's UFC 2009: Undisputed is another example of this. Very few people were looking forward to the game before it came out (I was one of them), and then when the demo was released onto the Xbox Live Marketplace and Playstation Network, it blew a lot of people away - even more so since it was a completely different sport to what developer Yuke's (developers of the WWE Smackdown series, also from THQ) were used to. It scored even better than Wolverine, with an average score of 83 and 84% on the Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 from Metacritic, and an average of 83% from Game Rankings.

Hell, even rhythm games have had their fare share of great licensed games. Take Activision's Guitar Hero Metallica for instance, two IP's that are almost synomous with selling out. Average scores? 84-86% on Metacritic and 85-87% on Game Rankings, with many reviewers praising (and rightly so) at just how well Neversoft created an experience ripe for Metallica fans. And while it hasn't been released yet (as of the time of writing), MTV/Harmonix's The Beatles: Rock Band looks set to follow in this trend of an excellent band focused rhythm game.

Though the one biggest recent example would have to be Eidos' Batman: Arkham Aslyum. Eidos are not exactly the most popular publisher with the general gaming populace (one only has to look at the Gerstmann-Gate saga or the reports of managing the scores given by reviewers), and the developer behind it, Rocksteady Studios, had only one other game under their belt - the somewhat underrated (going by reponses to people who've played it) Urban Chaos - Riot Response. And the other factor going into this? There hasn't been an excellent Batman game in years, with people citing Sunsoft's late 80's NES adaptation of the '89 Batman movie or Konami's 1992 and 1994 adaptations of Batman Returns and the Adventures of Batman and Robin as the only really great Batman games. Everything else? Medicore at best, unbelievably awful or cancelled (as was the fate of the planned game based around the Dark Knight movie) at worst.

The response was almost impossible to believe.

Metacritic averages the critical responses at around 91-92%, with Game Rankings averaging it at around 91%. It's nuts. So nuts that the Guinness Book of Records actually NOMINATED the game for a World Record - the Most Critically Acclaimed Super Hero Game Ever. I couldn't be making this up if I tried. Though generally, it does seem quite deserving, as from all accounts - the game is quite excellent. Not perfect, but still one of the better games to be released this year.

This trend could extend somewhat to whatever few major licensed games are left coming out this year. EA's NHL 10, given the last two iterations, should still hold up as being a fantastic game. Another EA product, FIFA 10, also looks to continue the series recent trend of being excellent. I'm also having high hopes for THQ's WWE Smackdown vs Raw 2010. Not only because it's THQ's last year as the publisher of WWE games, but because based on previews so far, it definitely seems like one hell of a game to go out on.

2009 has been one of the more interesting years for video gaming. We're talking about a year where some of the biggest and most interesting games scheduled to come out around this time have been pushed back to avoid conflict with Microsoft's Halo 3: ODST and Activision's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, two games that although will sell ungodly amounts. Though the one trend that I pray carries over into 2010 is this trend of great licensed games. It can be done, which is the one think that everyone has learnt from this year.

Justice Is Blonde

A while back, I did a write up about a video game, in the loosest sense of word, known as Plumber's Don't Wear Ties. It was absolutely fucking terrible, the game I mean. Why? Well, it tried to be a videogame with adult themes and situations. It's also described as one of the the "porn" games for the 3DO. The reason why Plumbers sucked was not only was it perhaps the stupidiest video game ever written, but because there was nothing adult about it. Hell, it was basically a bloody Looney Tunes cartoon for teenagers.

Ever since I wrote that, I wanted to do more on some of these "porn" games, just to see if they offered any shred of entertainment value, or if they were just as bad as Plumbers. The problem that face me was that I wanted some decent info, as well as video of these games - but given the fact that the 3DO wasn't exactly the most popular of consoles, and the subject matter, finding video proved to be difficult.

Then the Game Heroes found video of the game Blonde Justice...

And oh boy, do we have a contender for a game that's even WORSE than Plumbers.

The game was released in 1994, again for the 3DO, by a company known as Vivid Interactive. Don't bother searching for their history - there isn't any. Though based on some advertisements in the game, they were mostly known for producing...adult entertainment games for the 3DO, with such clever names as "Sex", "Raquel Released", "Super Models Go Wild" and "Immortal Desire". They're related to Vivid Entertainment, one of the larger adult entertainment companies out there.

Getting back to Blonde Justice, it's a game both better, worse, and just as equally bad as Plumbers. How so? Well, let's begin with the good. The game uses FMV, and actually decent looking FMV too. One of the advantages that the 3DO had over the other CD consoles of the pre-Playstation era was that it was capable of playing higher quality video than what one could see on the Sega CD. As well as that, there's actually some some production values in the game - they're not exactly awesome, but hey, at least they are there.

One other plus, especially over Plumbers is that the game actually lives up to it's "adults only" tag. Slightly. There are a few instances of female nudity, though it's mainly just exposed nipples. There are plenty of instances of sideboob and arse, as well as other scenes of females doing other females, and implied masterbation. Granted, we don't get to see much, but hey, if you're going to make an adults only game, at least they've got the "porn" part somewhat right.

Moving onto the bad, is the structure of the 'game'. Simply put, there is no game. There is no interactivity with it whatsoever. The game is literally a 30-40 minute movie, divided up into five chapters. The chapter markings are also weird - the chapter stops are literally in the middle of a scene, rather than the end...which makes no bloody sense.

In fact, the comment about it being a movie is quite accurate. Go back up and look at the cover. Now, take a look at this:

Look familiar much?

Turns out that Blonde Justice on the 3DO is just an "interactive" version of Vivid Entertainments film, Blonde Justice. Most of the details on the IMDB page check out for the game...except the length of the film. The film is 72 minutes. The game isn't. We'll get into that later.

As well as that, it's actually hard to hear the dialogue. I know it's a porn game and all, and that you shouldn't be watching porn for the plot, but it's incredibly bloody difficult to actually hear any dialogue. Though the music is that cheezily bad it makes up for it.

And then we come to the horrible. This can be summed up in just one phrase - the story. It's meant to be a mystery story, or a thriller, but the game can't seem to make up it's mind. Why?

The story in Blonde Justice is by far the most stupid and idiotic fucking story that I have ever experienced.

Hey! I wrote that story!

It also helps that the story is told like as if a goddamned monkey told me to me and its gibberish was then translated via BabelFish. Like I said before, yes, I do realize that this is meant to be a porn game, and that I should give the story a pass, but no. Why? It's just so fucking stupid that it makes regular porn look bad. And in terms of storytelling in a movie designed to solely to get you off, that's something.

Here's the story in a nutshell. A blonde stripper (she's never named. Or she is, but because you can barely hear a thing, you can't make out a name) has been sent various letters by an obsessed stalker threatening to kill her with her stockings. She gets a policewoman to help her solve this case, until the blonde stripper decides to start carrying around a gun for protection. Her friend, known as Cora (whom is the only major character named), decides to put on a blonde wig and start grinding randomly on a pole with no audience cheering her on. The stalker then shows up, and thinking that it's the Blonde (he only ever sees the back of her), shoots her. The stalker is then cornered by the cop and the real Blonde, whom arrest him. Oh, and this is the last thing we get to see in the game..besides credits anyway:

That's not my censoring, that disc just got in the snapshot.

I'm not kidding. That is seriously the story in the game. It is given all of five minutes. Though that's not the half of it.

The way that the pathetic lack of story is told is also a huge issue. For instance, the opening to the 'game' kicks off with the Blonde reading the death threats, then her at her job, then her walking home, with the stalker following her. The game also forgot what it's supposed to be, because within 30 seconds, we see the stalker chasing after the blonde.

I just wanted to hug you goodnight!

WITHIN 30 FUCKING SECONDS, THE WHOLE POINT OF THE STORY IS RUINED. GEE, I WONDER WHO THE STALKER COULD BE NOW?

In fact, the 'game' is literally just a poorly assembled montage of random clips. You get the occasional glimpse of a story, then five minutes of women teasing you by removing their underwear with their back to the camera or hands covering their tits or cutting away just as something happens, then to another shot of a scene that hasn't happened yet, then back to some striptease, then to some story, and this goes on and on. It's incredibly disjointed

Cover your eyes! A terrible game!

It's like there was an internal conflict within Vivid as to the direction of the 'game' before the cameras started rolling. One side wanted two parts to the game, the story for those who wanted it, and then all the other shots of the stripping and what not. But then the other camp wanted nothing more than the striptease shots. In the end, they compromised some, but realized that the "plotted" segments were long enough, and needed some filler. Like, a LOT of filler.

No...cover your eyes. Not your tits. They're already covered by the top you're wearing.

Though what gets me the most interested is just why there is so much of a difference in terms of runtime between the two products. Based on the videos that I've seen there's at least 30 minutes missing from the film in the game version, which might explain why there is so much filler. I wouldn't honestly be able to tell you just how much is missing, or whether or not what we're seeing is literally what the game looks like.

But I've got to give mad props to The Game Heroes. It was really quite difficult to find any video or decent information on any of the other 'adult' games. Though with this nugget, perhaps I can find something new for you guys next time.

Though I am intrigued if the sequel to the film, released in the same year with most of the same cast, was ever made into a game. That'll be worth checking out.

Later

The Worst Game Ever. Period.

I love bad games for the same way I love bad movies. Everything about it - from the terrible design, terrible writing, terrible acting, terrible sound etc. It never ceases to bring tears of laughter to my eyes, as well as lessons on how to actually not make a movie or video game.

Much like bad movies, there are really two types of bad games. Games that are so bad that they're good, and games that are so bad that they're horrible. But I like to think that there's a third layer to this - games that are so bad that their very existence makes people question their sanity. This is the latter. Say hello to Plumbers Don't Wear Ties.

Everything mentioned in the this cover? It's in the game...for better or for worse...

Back when the 3DO was at least relevant, there were five 'adult' themed games released for the system (don't ask me about the four others, I don't know of them). Plumbers is one of these. Despite it being advertised as a romantic comedy and having a reputation for being a porn game...it's the furthest thing from it. Why you may ask? Well, first off, it's not at all pornographic. That is, unless you count two of three shots of a woman's nipple, plenty of shots of her sideboob and arse, as well as a few shots of male arse. Though my favourite part? This is all censored, meaning you have to enter in a code if you actually WANT the uncensored shots. And before that scene actually starts, you are given a warning about the scene, telling you that if you're underage, to close your eyes until the music ends. Don't believe me?

Though that's not the half of it. As a romantic comedic, it's godawful. But that's just the start. Let's go through the game a little more first.

Here are our two "star crossed lovers". John, a plumber who runs a company known as "plumber on a bike":


And Jane...a daddy's girl who wants to find a man. Oh, and she has a job interview to go to:



Now, there's one other character in the game that serves some role, the Narrator. You're going to grow to hate this guy, because he'll constantly interrupt to tell you what to do next and how you're going. Though usually, he's there to tell you how much you suck. He's also got a penchant for wearing a chicken head.

The intro sequence to the game sets up the experience you wish you was only a dream. Aside from the toilet flushing and obviously early 90's Kirin Entertainment logo (this was the only titled developed by the company), we're greeted with an FMV sequence of two bre...I mean Jane, or as she prefers to be known as, "Microwave Jane". And no, I didn't make this up. Why Microwave Jane, you may ask? Cause she warms up faster than any girl, and jokes that she's so hot, that not only did the fire chief wrote a new code to make her wear a smoke alarm between her thighs, but the coastguard also noted that she was so hot she made tsunamis in her waterbed; as well a few other jokes about her being hot that are so incredibly fucking stupid that I'm not even going to type them out and save your your IQ, time and dignity.

Anyway, the sequence is to let you know just what the game is about. The goal is to get Jane together with another man, and sets you and your "hot little mouse" (her words, not mine) on to the task of doing so. She lets you know a few other things like how she doesn't do one night stands or other acts of prostitution, but we don't care. Hell, the camera doesn't even care. At one point, the camera starts focusing on Jane's breasts. Once she's done talking, the shot zooms out in a pretty cheap effect (every shot in this game does it), and we're not only greeted with a title card, complete one of the more recurring elements of the game - some of the worst music you'll ever hear:

I shit you not. This is the title screen.

We're also greeted with our first choice.

This leads to the first actual problem with the game. While it does feature a lot of audio, it comes at the expense of the game. I'll explain this further in a minute when we actually start the thing, but here's the first example. You get a person reading out a description of what each button does, but you can't actually move your cursor until the audio clip ends. It's especially the case when there's three items on screen - you have to listen to three audio clips before you make a choice, and any more of them again should you decide to change your mind. Oh, and one of them is read by an Asian woman who clearly hasn't been in an English speaking country for long. I'm half expecting a "love you long time" drop.

Anyway, if you're still with me, let's actually start this game.

The title sequence kicks off with someone singing the concluding portion of the US National Anthem...then we get a slideshow of NASCAR-esque stockcars driving about and what not. Looks like Kirin took the line from Prince's Lovesexy "when I touch it racecars burn rubber in my pants" literally. Oh, and for some apparent reason most of these shots have been applied with a negative filter, and a whole bunch of other filters. Furthermore, we see some random shots of a panda in a go kart, pasted in with the other photos. What kills me is that the panda looks obviously cropped in, with plenty of space from the picture it was copied from.


It's like someone at Kirin discovered Photoshop for the first time in the process of the applying the negative filter and adding in the panda thought it was the coolest fucking thing ever, and decided that Photoshop was that cool, to use it for as much of these shots as possible. And yes, the music is still garbage. Anyway, after the slideshow, we're introduced to John...and suddenly, we see the proper game.

Now, before we start the game proper. I ask you to go back up to the games cover. Based on this, you'd think it's an FMV game. It's perfectly understandable and to be expected. I mean the start of the game was an FMV, and it was released during a time where FMV games were at their peak. Hell, the front and rear covers basically show what appears to be FMV. With that established, allow me to deliver to you a megaton.

That intro you saw earlier? It's the only FMV sequence in the game.

As for the game itself? Well, It's a slideshow.

And it's not just a small portion of the game either.

The entire fucking game is a slideshow.

With voice over.

And minor forms of interactivity.

Now, I haven't a problem with low interactivity in games. Hell, series like Myst and Ace Attorney are examples of games with very low interactivity but there's always something redeemable about them (like fantastic music, writing, character etc.) Hell, visual novels pride themselves on having little to no interactivity. But that's fine, because usually there's some great art or writing and what not. As we have firmly established earlier, Plumbers does not have good writing. Furthermore, it looks cheap, has terrible audio (at times, it sounds like the actors are TOO close to the mic) and the worst part? It gets worse. And it doesn't stop getting worse.

There really isn't much to say about the plot. I'll go through it, because really, this game makes me want to kill myself the more I talk about it. John and Jane's parents both want their children to get married and what not. They end up meeting in a parking lot, where after an awkward meeting, Jane goes to a job interview. It turns out her boss, Thresher, is a pervert, and will only give Jane a job if she strips for him. She goes along with it, until she learns that it's being videotaped. then runs out of the room. Thresher, pissed off, grabs a letter opener and plots to stab her. She runs out into the parking lot, where John has apparently been THIS WHOLE TIME.

All three have this chase scene, which looks more like a fucking series of vacation shots than an actual chase scene, until they end up in an abandoned building. Thresher then offers her a shittone of money to sleep with him. She refuses (she can accept, but the scene is terrible and awful, and it's not the proper ending) and goes with John. They then end up happily ever after. As they ride off into the sunset, Jane also refuses to believe that John's a plumber because, well, plumbers don't wear ties.

Good. Fuckity. God.

Though that's not the end of it. You want to know the biggest problem with the game? Amongst everything else? There are no alternate paths. There are no alternate endings. There is only one possible thread you can take. And should you divulge from the path, you'll get given a game over scene..but you can go back to the previous decision point and then choose the right scene. No matter what, it's impossible to lose at the game, and you're going to get the same ending each time.

But that's just one thing. Let's take a look at some of the other more idiotic elements present in this...game.

During the job interview sequence, you're given a bunch of choices. You come across one, where it says that Thresher takes advantage of the situation. The audio clip here? It tells you that you need to be over 18 to play through this bit. And it's required to hit this option to continue as well. Hitting any other option sends you to a game over screen. From here, you get another choice to make. Here's the image in question:



Look at the text that it tells you - "she rejects the disgusting proposal" and "she'll do anything to get the job?!?!". Those images don't make much sense - because if she declines...why would she take her top off anyway? And sure enough, if you DO pick it, she still gets part of her kit off, then after a few minutes, realizes his disgusting proposal and runs out of his office. Without much of her top.

The score is also another element that doesn't work at all. Mainly because for the most part, the only score you get is in the negatives. No, I'm serious. Here's how the score roughly is shown on screen.

Score: -100000

You may be wondering just how badly you need to mess up in order to earn such a score. Well it turns out that's just gotten during regular gameplay. Since you can't really get off the path and what not, your score is always really going to end up the same amount. It also doesn't look like a mistake either, because the hyphen is so close to the numbers that it suggests negative value. Let's move on, the stupidity is killing me.

Later on in the game, the narrator gets attacked by some random woman in a Karate Gi (later a dress), whose role is, and I cannot believe I'm writing this, A TAKE OVER ARTIST, WANTED IN THIRTY STATES FOR HIJACKING FICTION. Oh, and she doesn't do anything useful either, she basically plays the same role as the narrator, complaining about how bad you've been going. The next, and only other time she returns, she reveals to be a feminist, complaining about why Jane shouldn't sleep with her boss.

Makoto, she ain't.

Then the narrator returns and kills her with a toy gun, which then results in about a minute of a gray filter being placed over the screen with copy/pasted bulletholes and gunshot noises going off. There's no blood. There's no violence. It's unbelievably stupid. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS GAME. Oh, and to top it off, there are sounds of DOGS APPLAUDING.

FUCKING. DOGS. APPLAUDING. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

The ending also features one of the stupidest moments in gaming history. As the game ends, it then randomly cuts to an outtake. Literally, the dude messes up the line and the next thing we here is the actor, the director and the crew laughing about it and saying they're going to leave it in. Then the next thing we hear is the line being said correctly...and the thing about this that sucks? He messed up one word, and it wasn't even that funny. Like everything else I've just said, I'm not making a single shred of this up.

What kills me is just how this game got certified. While it's been documented that the 3DO was one of the more open platforms to develop a game on, I find it hard to believe that someone at the 3DO Company, the people responsible for ensuring that games get certified for public release and what not, thought it was a good idea to let this game be released to the public. If you tried to pull this shit out on today's consoles, there's no way it'd happen.

Though there is some good to come out of all of this. YouTube user Hormone1944 (who I gotta thank for the YouTube links I've used in here) has not only uploaded most of the video, but created it in such a way that you can effectively play the game. Gotta love technology.

But in all seriousness, this is easily the worst video game ever made. If you can even call it a game. I can't sum up the sheer amount of stupidity present in this game. It's baffling to think that people actually created this, and not think for one second that they're creating the single worst video game ever made. ET and Superman 64 might be awful, but at least you can actually play them. And hell, Big Rigs, while it's an unfinished product, is clearly much more playable than this garbage.

Though that has to say something. When your game is less playable than the unfinished mess that is Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing, then you know you're onto something horrible.

University Navigation Is A Bitch

Yesterday I went down to Monash University's Clayton campus with the Level 3 crew to take a part in the Computer Games Boot Camp that was being run. It's essentially a program run by the University for kids in Years 9-12 to sort of get them excited about all the possible careers one can get involved with in gaming. It's a cool idea for an event, and something that I wish I had when I was looking for possible career choices.

Anyway, we went down there to do a talk to the kids. That part was done by Jason, Dale and Anna. I was there recording the thing. I'm in the middle of editing it now, and it should be uploaded hopefully shortly. But before I did that, I had to find the bloody place to begin with.

To be fair, it was mostly my fault. I had practically no familiarity with the campus, and I thought that all I needed was the building in which the event took place as well as directions to Monash. For that part, it worked out fine. Then I actually got to the campus, when I came to a shocking realization.

There were no maps. Or anywhere with directions.

I hadn't looked at a map of the campus prior, thinking that there would be at least one, if not more maps around the campus. Yet I saw none. I was just stumbling through the bloody campus until I saw some kids who were involved in the event (they had nametags), asked them where the building was, and they thankfully walked me to it. Then I was asked if I was a parent. I laughed.

But the point is, what kind of university doesn't at least have one map to show you where the bloody hell you're supposed to go? I mean, Deakin in Burwood is good in that there are maps everywhere. Vic Uni in St Albans and Footscray is the game. Ditto Swinburne in Hawthorn. It's bloody stupid to not do it, and to think that any and all visitors are going to check online for a map and NOT have one there is incredibly moronic.

It's like they expect you to go there to understan...

Son of a bitch...